You will see them across the city tonight, whatever city you happen to be in. They will stand out for their tightly clenched jaws, their sullen silences and general air of shiftiness. These are the men who have been dragged by their partners to see Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema.
2015年2月14日的晚上，无论你身处哪座城市，都会看到这样一群人在城市里穿行。他们的外部特征是：牙关紧咬，愤懑不语，表情变幻不定。这就是被伴侣硬拽着去电影院看《五十度灰》(Fifty Shades of Grey)的男人们。
There they will sit, beacons of submerged testosterone in a largely female world, present mainly because they have calculated that they are, at least, on a promise; this not being the kind of film to which a woman takes her partner if sex is absolutely not on the agenda. True, after gazing lustfully on the fab abs of Jamie Dornan, their own partners’ more fleshy features may seem a step down but are they really going to start looking for an alternative at 11pm on a Clapham Saturday?
他们坐在影院里，星星点点的男性荷尔蒙隐藏在几乎全是女人的海洋中。他们之所以愿意来，主要是因为心中至少有个盼头：如果一个女人丝毫没有上床的打算，是不会带另一半看这种电影的。诚然，女人们在盯着杰米•多南(Jamie Dornan)的完美腹肌流完口水后，再看自己另一半臃肿的身躯，视觉上可能会产生落差。但是，难道她们真打算开始在“克拉珀姆周六”(Clapham Saturday)的夜晚11点寻觅一个备胎吗？At some point it might occur to the men that in being made to watch the bondage bonkbuster, they have in effect been tied to their seat and forced to submit to the sexual fantasies of their wives or girlfriends. They may, like Anastasia, have worked out that sex was in the air, but they did not anticipate the “red room” — a darkened chamber where deviant fantasies are played out to the soundtrack of munched popcorn and the slurping of Diet Coke. No doubt Christian Grey would have had them sign a contract in advance promising never to reveal what happened inside the secret chambers of the Vue North Finchley or the Odeon Sheffield. In this case, it won’t be necessary. Few will want to talk about it.
男性们或许会在某一刻突然觉得，强迫他们观看这部捆绑性爱大片，实际上就是将他们绑在座位上，强迫他们向自己妻子或女友的性幻想对象屈服。他们可能像安娜斯塔西娅(Anastasia)一样知道性爱即将来临，但他们没料到会有“红房间”(red room)——一间黑暗的房间，在嚼爆米花声和吸健怡可乐声中，这里上演着离奇的性幻想。毫无疑问，克里斯蒂安•格雷(Christian Grey)肯定会让他们提前签一份合同，承诺绝不泄露Vue电影院北芬奇利店或Odeon电影院谢菲尔德店的那间“密室”里发生过什么。不过对于这些男性来说，完全没这个必要，因为没几个人想谈论它。
Maybe it will cross the minds of the more sensitive men that they are facing karmic revenge, experiencing how women feel most weeks of the year at the cinema as their partners drag them to Basic Instinct,Showgirls, American Pie or 9½ Weeks.
也许有些较为敏感的男性会意识到，自己正面对因果报应，体验着一年中大多数时间女性在电影院的感受，她们被伴侣拽着去看了《本能》(Basic Instinct)、《艳舞女郎》(Showgirls)、《美国派》(American Pie)或《爱你九周半》(9½ Weeks)。The women I know tell me they are not convinced Jamie Dornan is right for the part, feeling he does not quite scale the heights of their vision of the perfect male. Personally, I find this quite encouraging since Dornan and I are not that alike, but it is the kind of remark that could dent the self-esteem of a less confident man. As it happens, Dornan and I do have similarly sculpted six-packs; I just keep mine under a protective layer. Should the Fifty Shades frenzy ever catch on in my own household, I could, I suppose, plan a secret red room of my own. But when the time came to furnish it, I’d end up eschewing all the erotica and opting for a La-Z-Boy recliner, a huge TV and a hotline to Papa John’s pizzeria. It may not be romantic but there’s a lot less chafing.
我的女性朋友告诉我，她们认为杰米•多南扮演这个角色缺乏说服力，觉得他不太符合她们心中那位完美男主人公的形象。就我个人而言，她们的话让我倍感欣慰，因为多南跟我不怎么像，但对于没我这么自信的男士来说，她们的评论会削弱他的自尊。我刚好跟多南一样有6块腹肌，只不过我的腹肌藏在保护层下面。要是我自己家里也上演起《五十度灰》热，我想我可以设计一间自己的秘密红房间。不过等我布置这间密室时，我最后肯定会省掉所有情色道具，而选择放一把La-Z-Boy休闲躺椅，一台超大屏幕的电视和一条直通棒约翰(Papa John’s)披萨店的热线电话。我的红房间或许不浪漫，但不会让人感到那么烦躁。I dare say there will be plenty of girls’ nights out on offer for those let down by their partners or attracted by a night of whooping and slavering. Yet for all the discomfort felt by men attending the movie, my hunch is that ushering your partner into the clutches of a hen party is the more dangerous position. For unless you are supremely good-looking, damn rich and a demon in bed, there seems little chance of your partner returning from her ladies’ night pondering whether she might just have sold herself short.
我敢说到时候会有大量“姐妹狂欢夜”，提供给那些对伴侣失望，或被一晚上的喘息声、吞咽口水声撩拨起来的女性。尽管这部影片令观影的男性感到如此不适，但我预感更危险的是它将你的伴侣引入女性派对的魔掌。因为除非你英俊非凡，富可敌国，床技一流，否则你的伴侣参加完姐妹狂欢夜后，反思自己是否轻易地放纵自己去参加这种派对的可能性很低。So it might make more sense for a man to attend. In the first place, he can spend time subtly pointing out the downsides of the film, the lack of screen chemistry and the general soullessness of the ho-hum billionaire lifestyle. Second, he may be able to remind his partner of her good fortune in snagging a boyfriend who, though short of a helicopter, can hold down a relationship without resorting to spanking paddles. And finally, his mere presence inserts him into his partner’s fantasy film night so that, who knows, she may even ascribe some of Grey’s better traits to him.
因此对于男士来说，去看这部电影可能更为明智。首先，他可以花时间仔细指出这部影片的缺点，男女主角间没有火花，以及这位乏味的亿万富翁过着多么空洞无聊的生活。其次，他或许可以提醒他的伴侣她有多么幸运，能抓住自己这样的男友，他虽然没有直升机，可不靠打屁股就能维系一段感情。最后，只要他去看这部电影，他就挤进了伴侣的性幻想电影之夜，谁知道呢，没准她甚至会在他的身上找到格雷的部分优点。So for any man caught in this paradox, I make the following suggestions. Embrace the Fifty Shades; turn it into a Valentine’s weekend extravaganza; dress up; hire a limo; book a fancy restaurant; be the fantasy date.
因此对于每一个陷入这一矛盾的男士，我作出如下建议。拥抱《五十度灰》吧，把它变成一场情人节的周末盛事，精心打扮，租辆豪华轿车，订一家高级餐厅，来一场梦幻约会。And when you get home, don’t forget the blindfold. After two hours of gazing at Christian Grey, she may not be ready for reality just yet.
而当你回到家，千万别忘了给她戴上眼罩。目不转睛地盯着克里斯蒂安•格雷看了两个小时后，她或许尚未准备好看到现实。